We may have a real-life sequel to Cocaine Bear coming out in the immediate future whether we like it or not. A recent whoopsie-doodle by international drug smugglers may just end up completely redefining the term “Great White Shark” with a heavy emphasis on the “white.” Authorities have recently recovered a staggering 3.5 TONS of cocaine floating in the Pacific Ocean, leaving some potential screenwriters wondering what might happen if they didn’t recover all of the goods at sea.
For those not already in the know, the upcoming Cocaine Bear directed by The Hunger Games‘ Elizabeth Banks is based on the absolutely true story of an American black bear, sometimes known as Pablo Escobear, who tragically overdosed after consuming 75 pounds (approximately $2 million worth) of cocaine that had been dropped by drug smugglers into the wilderness of Tennessee. The story inspired a ton of memes and, eventually and perhaps inevitably Cocaine Bear — the motion picture. And now some people are wondering, could an aquatic version of the story be far behind?
It’s a screenplay that practically writes itself. The Coast Guard recovers 3.5 tons of cocaine — but what about the other half ton? A few dozen bricks of nose candy find their way into the gaping maw of one of nature’s perfect predators, and all of a sudden John Williams’ “Jaws Theme” gets sped up to over 100 beats per minute. The authorities will need to hire Robert Shaw from Jaws and Jason Patric from Rush to track down this new nose candy-fueled killing machine and bring it to justice.
We are definitely going to need a faster boat.