Alright, confession time – I never really WANT to write a “Worst Of” horror list because I try to find value in every horror movie, and it’s always easy to pick on the weak. Making silly analogies, calling filmmakers out, trashing tacky performances, crapping all over nonsensical plots and even worse execution – it’s simple child’s play really. Writing about flawless films and what intricacies make them so stunningly breathtaking is where a challenge truly exists, trying to sway the masses into gobbling up your words of wisdom – which I’ve already done for you in my Top 10 Horror Films Of 2012 list.
But, with that said, some films are so astoundingly underwhelming, so obviously terrible, so egotistically cocky, so downright atrocious, and so painfully time-wasting – I have no choice but to take action. I have nothing against the people involved or those trying to make endearing cinema, but a bad film is a bad film, end of story.
As a critic (devout fan, horror obsessed lunatic, take your pick), it’s my job to steer you away from such pocks that cover our otherwise beautiful genre whether I like it or not, and in the end, I’m also the perfect candidate. I watch a lot of horror films, for better or for worse, so trust me when I say I’ve found the worst of the worst to alert you readers of, and I almost lost my mind doing it. 2012 was actually a rather quiet year for horror, throwing out some highly publicized scare tactics only to watch them fall by the wayside one by one, vanishing from relevance almost as quickly as they entered theaters – like a cut-rate children’s magician clumsily hacking his way through a “now you see it, now you don’t” trick.
So, alright, you’re here for a reason, so I might was well make with the list, right? So be it. Follow me as I begrudgingly re-live the 13 worst horror movies of 2012, forced to relive such mind-numbing stretches of gobbledygook powerful enough to render my senses helpless, paralyzed, bored, and not to mention furious after I’d just wasted $12.50 of my hard earned cash. Originally this was going to be a 10 Worst Horror Movies Of 2012 list, but while sorting out all my reviews for the year, I realized 10 spots wouldn’t be enough, having some films that weren’t even good enough for a “dishonorable mention,” so I extended the list to 13. Not a big difference, I know, but trust me, every spot counts with this year’s crop.
Here’s pretty much how I felt during all these movies, except instead of reacting to the background score, pretend Alex is just reacting to the film…