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The Top 10 Things I Hate About 2 Guns

First: 2 Guns really is a spectacularly awful title. We are talking hall-of-fame levels of stupidity with a name like that. What does it even mean? A promise that, at minimum, the film has one pair of firearms to entice audiences? That when we see a gun in the movie, we can rest assured it will never feel lonely, because another gun will be in close proximity? Is it a high-concept sort of thing, wherein the main characters only have access to two guns to take down an entire criminal operation? Is it a wacky arthouse piece in which two firearms become sentient and search for the true meaning of life, the universe, and everything? Or is it merely another lame, slapdash marketing phrase flailing desperately to make this insipid buddy-cop action comedy stand out from the interminably large crowd of other insipid buddy-cop action comedies, and really only indicating that the two protagonists will each not only carry a weapon, but be defined by their proficiency with violence?

[h2]1. Washington and Wahlberg are both trying way, way too hard[/h2]

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What else can they do, in the midst of all this tedium? They are the center of the film, no matter how much crap has been piled around them, and the only avenue available to them, apart from checking out entirely, is trying desperately to make up for all the surrounding lack of effort. The end result is that both Washington and Wahlberg wind up giving performances that, while suitably charismatic, are also overbearing, uncomfortable, and often unappealing. It is not their fault. I think under better circumstances, these two might even have a shot at real, memorable chemistry. But as it stands, there is nothing of real entertainment value in either of their performances, separate or together, because they are each scrambling far too hard to make up for the wild number of cinematic deficiencies on display.

And that, I think, just about says it all – if you cannot have these two, great leads relaxed enough to have even a tiny bit of laid-back, naturalistic fun, then what on earth is the point? Why not just smash the camera with a hammer and deliver a series of blinking neon lights to the cineplex? There is literally no reason whatsoever to make or release a buddy-cop action vehicle so ridiculously incompetent that even depending on the skills of the two leads is not enough to entertain the viewer. No reason. 2 Guns is a complete and utter waste of the cinematic medium, and an aggressively repugnant waste of the audience’s time.

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