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5 Things That Would Make This Sunday’s Academy Awards Not Completely Terrible

For those of us who harbor extreme ambivalence toward the Academy Awards and all they stand for, the Oscar ceremony this coming Sunday is likely to be a pendulum swinging between severe annoyance and cautious excitement. The whole concept of the awards is both noble and preposterous, best epitomized by the people who blast the notion of ranking works of art until they win an award and are suddenly humbled and gracious in their acceptance of the statue they once considered meaningless. Many, including myself on most days, decry the Academy Awards as a vapid evening of excess and self congratulation, perpetuating the myth that Hollywood is doing good in the world, validating stars’ fragile egos, and dear god I hope my favorite movie/director/actor wins!

[h2]4) Anne Hathaway delivers her acceptance speech in sign language[/h2]

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She’s probably weighing all the options throughout the course of this week. Should I do something super cute like a gangsta rap? Should I be all “aw shucks who me?” even though I’ve won every other damn award there is to win? Should I kiss a stranger like Roberto Benigni? It was hilarious when he did it!

The best thing Anne Hathaway could do when she wins Best Supporting Actress would be to fight every instinct she has that tells her to go big and just go super minimalist. Restrain the excitement. Contain the nervous chatter. Subvert people’s expectations! I don’t mind Hathaway as much as many others, but she has the opportunity to win a lot of people over by doing something awesome at the Oscars. And not awesome the way she usually thinks the things she does on TV are awesome but like actually awesome. Maybe hold up written cards like Bob Dylan or something, I don’t know. But definitely end it all with the middle finger. That’s how you win hearts and minds.

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