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5 Things That Would Make This Sunday’s Academy Awards Not Completely Terrible

For those of us who harbor extreme ambivalence toward the Academy Awards and all they stand for, the Oscar ceremony this coming Sunday is likely to be a pendulum swinging between severe annoyance and cautious excitement. The whole concept of the awards is both noble and preposterous, best epitomized by the people who blast the notion of ranking works of art until they win an award and are suddenly humbled and gracious in their acceptance of the statue they once considered meaningless. Many, including myself on most days, decry the Academy Awards as a vapid evening of excess and self congratulation, perpetuating the myth that Hollywood is doing good in the world, validating stars’ fragile egos, and dear god I hope my favorite movie/director/actor wins!

[h2]3) Daniel Day-Lewis does something offensive[/h2]

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It could be Daniel Day-Lewis or Jessica Chastain or whichever star with a squeaky clean image (i.e. someone other than Quentin Tarantino), but controversy always makes for a good Academy Awards ceremony. It’s not quite the same when it’s from the person we expect, like Michael Moore in 2003, or from someone we maybe don’t expect but aren’t surprised about, like Melissa Leo two years ago. Day-Lewis is most likely probably, just because he is the one sure thing about this year’s awards. The shock of seeing someone else get awarded Best Actor is too unlikely to bother hoping for.

So the next best thing would be that he does something outrageous. We’re all expecting him to be the gracious, beautifully spoken, honorable man that he has been receiving awards in the past, but maybe, and this is a real outside chance, maybe he’s gotten lost in his next character, Joaquin Phoenix style, and he just acts like a total dick. Maybe he pretends he doesn’t know where he is or what’s going on. Maybe he says some lewd things to one of the female presenters. Anything would do. It’s also an award that will likely be given out late in the night, so it would provide a much needed boost to the waning hours of the marathon broadcast. We can dream.

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