The Bay family motto is “If you’re going to do something, you should do it right”. These are the words that Old Grampa Bay stood by, Big Poppa Bay, Nana Bay, and Mama Bay stood by, and they’re the words that lil’ Mickey Bay stands by to this day. Those words were the impetus for his founding, along with Brad Fuller and Andrew Form, Platinum Dunes – the studio through which he can ride roughshod over cinematic history, putting right what other, better filmmakers have done wrong, and make a tidy profit.
Usually, Platinum Dunes have focused on horror, the genre that lends itself to the all-important PG-13 demographic with some semblance of perceived credibility but, like the tentacles of the Kraken, they are branching out. They recently backed Pain & Gain, and even more terrifyingly, they’re planning on adapting the epic poem Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
“But hasn’t that already received an very recent adaptation, directed by Michael Bay no less?” you ask, in between mouthfuls of cereal. No, you’re completely wrong. Well, half wrong – it has been adapted recently, if you class 2007 as recent. That was six years ago, and a lot can happen in six years. We were yet to experience Iron Man six years ago. It was awful. Michael Bay had nothing to do with that version, even though it was so bad that it really felt like he should have had a hand in it somewhere.
Well, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is getting a gritty reboot now. It might well be titled Ninja Turtles, and might be released on the 6th of June next year. Might be, because Michael Bay isn’t sure. Nobody’s sure. This is just what the gathered forces of evil, AKA hardcore Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans, have pieced together from various statements made by Michael Bay over the course of his promotional work for Pain & Gain.
Now comes the crux of the story. Michael Bay has clarified his earlier controversial remarks, when he said:
As soon as [‘TMNT’ co-creator Peter Laird] and I had freedom, we took [the Turtles] into outer space and introduced the TCRI aliens [a.k.a. the Ultroms] and then we took you to the origin of the ooze, so they [the Turtles] have alien origins, they are from outer space… [‘Ninja Turtles’] has to be well-grounded in Turtle history and lore, we don’t wanna take that away from the fans.
That was last year, a lifetime ago. He has now clarified his earlier remarks about retconning the Turtles’ origin story for the purposes of the film, stating in no uncertain terms that:
There was that quote saying that we’re making [the Ninja Turtles as] aliens. We’re not. It’s the ooze! It’s from the original source material. These are from the original writers, and I never went out to correct myself in the press. I do listen to the fans and I do want this to be authentic. I think they’re going to be really happy with this movie. When I see the digital stuff, the turtles look great.
Now can the madness finally end? Can we end our warring tribes and all just get along? Michael Bay has promised to stay true to the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles source material as far as the new Ninja Turtles movie is concerned, and now I’m going to hang myself for typing that sentence.