As for the bad…
M is for Miscarriage
Directed by Ti West, known for The House Of The Devil, The Innkeepers, and V/H/S.
Well it’s time for my two least favorite shorts, and starting off we’ve got Ti West underachieving mightily, creating an embarrassment of a short put to shame by every single other entry. This segment is hands down the worst piece of cinema in The ABCs Of Death, and even at the lightning quick run time still does enough damage to make us feel sorry for such an incomparable mess.
The whole short is as follows, and yes, I’m spoiling it because it’s so horridly rotten – a girl leaves the bathroom, gets a plunger, and looks in the toilet to see bloody water and a few chunks of something floating about. That’s it. Seriously.
I mean you’ve got $5,000 and complete creative rights to showcase something seriously horrific/funny/entertaining/special – yet the best you can do is throw some red dye in a toilet and call it a baby death? I mean Kaare Andrews puts West to shame with his baby death, surpassing the seasoned horror vet (comparably) in overall quality, while West can barely muster a whimper of credibility with his short a 10-year-old could have submitted.
Honestly, Ti West should apologize for such a piss-poor effort, subtracting from overall watchability despite the hard-working efforts of most other directors. For shame!
C is for Cycle
Directed by Ernesto Díaz Espinoza of Mirageman(?) fame.
While not as bad as “Exterminate” or “Gravity,” Remy already snagged those, and unfortunately “Cycle” is next in line from the bottom for me.
I’ll admit, the concept for something cool absolutely exists and is evident, but the story just feels rushed and lacking proper planning. The film starts, gets to a kill scene, and does twist slightly, but fails to generate excitement like other skits did. I can’t really explain it, but “Cycle” blandly meanders down a road unlike any others, but just doesn’t get a rise out of me. This is one of the only times I’ve been baffled by my own conclusion, but I can absolutely say Ernesto Díaz Espinoza just doesn’t cut the mustard. That’s a saying, right?
And now for something completely different…
F is for Fart
Directed by Noboru Iguchi, the mad genius behind Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, Dead Sushi, and many other extreme Japanese exploitation films.
I’m a huge fan of films like Machine Girl, Tokyo Gore Police, Toyko Zombie, and more – but I still don’t know what to think of “F is for Fart.”
Yes, typically this topical choice would make the think the director is nothing but an immature fool giddy at the opportunity to use fart jokes on-screen, but in this case, knowing the kind of background Iguchi and his movies have, I was genuinely scared to see just how Iguchi would gas people to death. Thankfully, all my fears proved right, telling the short story of a land where women aren’t allowed to fart until one woman breaks the rules and unleashes stinky hell across the land.
But I’m not sure where I’d classify this, being so tastefully aggressive yet joyously demented, which is why “Fart” definitely belongs in my weird section. If flaming heads and noxious gasses aren’t your thing, you’ll hate what Iguchi has done, but by the beard of Zeus, Iguchi brings buttloads of creativity to whatever flatulent beast he ended up creating.
Time for you to chime in: which were your favorite letters in The ABCs of Horror?!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where we reveal which horror movies cheer us up when we have the blues!