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Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: Death Is Such A Cockblock

Everyone knows the unwritten horror rules, and everyone also knows one of the most important rules is avoiding sexual intercourse completely. Why? Because you're just inviting trouble. Just think of all the scenarios you could get yourself caught in. For starters, sneaking away from a group of survivors is about as dumb a move you can make, but then engaging in an act that leaves both you and your partner vulnerable? Yup, you've just made yourself a prime target. Let's take that one step further and pretend you don't know who the killer is - are you really going to risk sleeping the the enemy? Especially when the enemy is killing off his victims one by one? If you want to survive a horror movie, just keep it in your pants, it's that simple!

Remy – Ooops, I Banged An Alien from Species

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You know what I hate? “Ummm…what Remy?”

I hate when a gorgeous woman picks me up at a bar, takes me home with her only to reveal her true alien form during sex, and after taking my seed, kills me violently. Man, I HATE that.

Species was that 90s movie about a sexy-ass alien who just needed to get knocked up so she could have more alien babies. I’m pretty sure the plot may have been deeper than that, but not by much. All I really remember is this scene with Natasha Henstridge fucking and killing Doctor Octopus, need I remember anything else?

The sad part is, gruesome death and all, I still would have fucked her.

(Sorry, no video clips are available and that’s literally the best picture I could get.)

Nato – Creature From The Stanky Lagoon from Piranha 3DD

Alright, I admit I’m cheating a little bit with this pick, but I mean, the dude might as well be dead, he had to cut his own dong off – am I right guys? Oh wait, you want me to rewind so you know “WTF” just happened? Probably a good idea…

Earlier in the movie, we see Kartina Bowden’s character Shelby swimming around in a lake, and this is where a piranha swims up her hoo-ha. Yup, right up in there, and we’re supposed to believe she’s walking around with a little carnivorous fish living up inside her. Whatever, did you see the rest of the movie? I mean David Hasselhoff is a lifeguard in it – THERE IS NO LOGIC HERE. Anyway, her boy-toy comes over to do the nasty, they go at it, the piranha doesn’t take too kindly to being poked by some annoying object, so he bites down and latches on. From here, as you can see, this genius dude thinks it necessary to chop his dick off, assuming it’s the only way to get the piranha off.

I know, how didn’t this thing win an Oscar, am I right?

*As a note, the video is in German (right?). It’s the first one I found, and I thought the accents made it hilarious. That is all.

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