Transformers
Michael Bay likes to search your room for things you adored from your childhood and then slowly rape them to death in front of you. That may seem intense, but can you sum up what he does better than that? Get ready, as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are about the get the Bay treatment as well, but before I hurl massive stone insults at that film’s inevitable suckiness, I have to take apart the first cartoon he raped. The Transformers.
First of all, yes. I went and saw the first Transformers movie on opening night. Why? I grew up with the series and loved the original animated movie, so I had some hope. Unfortunately, I walked out confused as fuck. First off, all the robots looked too similar, so I couldn’t tell who was who and who was winning or who was getting killed at any point. Just shiny metal and sparks is all I recall. Props for keeping Optimus as original voice actor, but that was the ONLY win from that series. Honestly.
Then, you add in sickeningly archaic racial stereotypes, Shia LeBeouf, and a plot so convoluted it makes kids get bloody noses, and you have an orgiastic mess of a movie that should never have spawned so many sequels.
That comes back on you, people.