Kevin James is fat and on a Segway! Kevin James is fat and waddling around a shopping mall! Kevin James is fat and tripping over his own feet! We got it and didn’t laugh the first time – so why the hell is Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 actually happening? And what does it say about our generation that in the series most similar to Die Hard that’s still making lots of money, John McClane is super-sized?
The last time someone tried to bring the Terminator franchise back, it didn’t go so well. Terminator Salvation was an ugly mess with a glum Christian Bale performance and plot holes big enough to send a Terminator through. That disaster was enough to kill most any fan desire for a sequel – it seemed that the first two Terminator movies would, after that, be permitted to survive fondly in memory, no longer sullied by pathetic attempts to cash in on good will toward it. Of course, that isn’t the case, because Hollywood greed, and this summer will see Terminator Genisys. The only difference between this one and Salvation? At least the trailers for Salvation looked half-decent to begin with.
They weren’t satisfied with a whole trilogy of obnoxious animated kiddie flicks, so now the penny-pinchers over at Fox are bringing us Alvin and the Chipmunks: Road Chip. Obviously, the rodents will get back together, go on some kind of adventure, torture our eardrums for 90 minutes and then fade back into the fog of cultural irrelevance from whence they came. To which I ask: WHY THE HELL IS THERE AN ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS 4 AND NOT A MOTHERFUCKING DREDD SEQUEL?
The critical drubbing that the first Nut Job got wasn’t enough to deter its creators from going ahead with an even more stupid-sounding sequel, in which Surly returns for another heist. What did humankind ever do to deserve a sequel to a movie that didn’t even have enough narrative innovation to cover itself the first time around? No amount of colorful animation or solid voice acting can hide the fact that this is another blatant cash-grab and, worse than that, another affront to the intelligence of young filmgoers everywhere.
Finding Nemo was a beautiful, beautiful tribute to the love between a father and his son that ranks among the greatest animated films of all time. So why undermine its perfection with a sequel that really has no reason to exist outside of Pixar wanting another surefire hit after slumping (relatively speaking) with Brave and Cars 2? Even the plot synopsis reeks of desperation: “The friendly-but-forgetful blue tang fish reunites with her loved ones, and everyone learns a few things about the true meaning of family along the way.”
This sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman is missing Snow White after Kristen Stewart decided to fool around with the (married) director. But the first one made boatloads at the box office, despite it being pretty widely agreed that, special effects aside, it was a really, really bad movie, and so we’ve been cursed with a follow-up that finds Chris Hemsworth dragging an axe around and making googly eyes at a different love interest. Absolutely nobody asked for this movie to exist, and it’s hard to imagine any purpose it could serve outside of cheating a few gullible fantasy fans out of their hard-earned dollars.
The ending of Now You See Me was one of the most dunderheaded, illogical, insulting conclusions to a film that I’ve ever encountered, and I did not think there was any way it could possibly be any worse. Then, I learned that there’s a sequel in the works, minus Isla Fisher, that is set to extend the impossibly stupid repercussions of that ending throughout another two hours. If I were a magician, I’d make every scrap of material related to this sequel disappear.
No Will Smith, no Independence Day, as far as I’m concerned. The first film was a blast, but the last time a ’90s pic got a late-to-the-party sequel, it was Dumb and Dumber To, and audiences had to seek PTSD counseling. Any fans of the original have surely moved on by now, so what makes Roland Emmerich think that anyone other than him would benefit from a follow-up? This seems as calculated a project as they get.
I know the Ice Age was long, but it couldn’t have possibly been this long, right????
The ending of Toy Story 3 was so beautiful that, if you didn’t shed a few happy tears, you probably had your tear ducts removed or are descended from reptiles. And though Pixar loves to bank on a sure thing, this series should be left on its high pedestal. Any return to its universe is just unnecessary and is also diverting funds from filmmakers with fresh, original ideas. See also: Cars 2 and, even more inexplicably, the planned Cars 3.
The title alone betrays just how silly a concept has been accepted for this sequel to a kiddie flick that no one really enjoyed the first time around. Though, really, what is the studio thinking? That the Cumberbitches are going to come flocking for a Sherlock who’s missing that actor’s razor-sharp cheekbones? Somehow, I don’t think so.
It doesn’t matter how creatively bankrupt you are as long as the special effects budget is in place. That seems to be the major takeaway from Oz the Great and Powerful, which holds the unenviable distinction of being the most boring movie to ever include flying monkeys and broomstick-riding witches. With the perpetually sleepy James Franco set to return and Sam Raimi out the door, there’s absolutely nothing to look forward to about being dragged down the yellow brick road once again for the greenlit follow-up.
Yes, Channing Tatum will take his clothes off and yes, Magic Mike XXL will make a shameful amount of money because of that. But narratively speaking, it’s hard to envision any real reason to revisit the strippers of Xquisite. The trailers for this sequel make it seem like a gimmick more than anything else, and that’s doubly unfortunate given that work on it is keeping actors like Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Elizabeth Banks, Amber Heard and Donald Glover from doing projects actually worthy of their talents.
Why can’t the ’80s just stay in the ’80s? Director Tony Scott has died, Tom Cruise hasn’t been considered a heartthrob in decades and the original Top Gun is considered extremely dated, and yet a sequel is still stubbornly refusing to die. Justin Marks has been hired to write the screenplay, but there’s absolutely no one interested in revisiting Maverick and Charlie at this late point. Top Gun 2 is one of those films that should just stay grounded.
