3) The Room
Those familiar with Tommy Wiseau’s cult monstrosity/masterpiece are doubtless well versed in the film’s multiple scenes of painfully soundtracked, unfortunately hilarious and anatomically incompetent attempts at on-screen intercourse. Just when you’ve recovered from the horror of witnessing Wiseau’s naked derriere grinding against an unfortunate actress’ belly button, the whole thing happens again – but this time even longer and spliced in with shots of the first one, just in case you forgot.
Let’s not forget the equally infamous scene of staircase-set boinking with Greg “Jesus Beard” Sestero overdubbing his moans in the least convincing and most half-hearted way possible, while somehow engaging in carnal expulsion with his jeans zipped up. Wiseau’s phenomenal failure to understand the technicalities of intercourse only serves to reinforce the already pretty concrete claim that he’s an alien with little to no understanding of basic human interaction.
If you see a more awkward pair of on-screen performances than Sestero and Juliette Danielle in the aforementioned escalatory “rapture,” I’ll buy you a dozen red roses and poorly ordered pizza. If you pay enough attention, you can even pin-point the exact moment when they simultaneously realize their respective careers are over: Sestero would go on to tour The Room around the world because no proper project would ever be willing to take him on again, Danielle would become synonymous with having her leg dry-humped by a non-specific Eastern-European guy.
Each of the multiple carnal scenes remain utterly hilarious, a little creepy and cover-your-eyes awkward all at the same time. If nothing else, the sight of Tommy Wiseau’s bizarre, not-quite-human not-quite-Nosferatu backside is a more effective contraceptive than every condom on the planet put together.
– Dominic Mill