There’s literally a The Simpsons quote for every occasion. Lucky for you, we’ve cornered a dozen of the best-hidden gems for you to sprinkle over any conversation that needs a bit more spice.
When your show has been on the air for three decades, you’ve got a million quotes that have moved into pop culture. That also equates to a line for practically any situation that could possibly arise.
“Wait,” you say. “Where are the quotes that everyone knows?” Those are simply too easy. What’s the fun in using lines that anyone remembers? No, you are on a mission to drop a clever, well-timed quote that only the most dedicated of viewers would recall. Think of it as a secret handshake to automatically reveal who is in the club. Never mind the blank stares you’ll get, say, half the time.
With that in mind, it’s onward and upward, and here are your new favorite lines to use for all life’s events.
12. “Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.”
The next time you are on a bus (any bus will do), try out the solemn wisdom of Principal Skinner. In an allusion to Psycho and Norman Bates’ twisted relationship with his mother, Seymour confesses to Bart why he isn’t driving himself to school on this dreary morning. The best part is that Skinner agrees it is a fitting punishment for having spoken to a woman. “She was right to do it.”
11. “I’ll stay away from your son, alright. Stay away…forever.”
Let’s say you just got banned from all Walmarts across the continental United States (Hawaii Walmarts, set phasers to fun). As they’re hauling you out the automatic doors, be sure to throw this Simpsons line back at them. Just like the Simpson family when Sideshow Bob said he’d stay away from Bart forever, you’ll confuse the good people of Walmart all the same.
10. “I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn’t on, but I think I got the gist of it.”
Need to impress your boss or client with your field knowledge? Break out this absolute gem.
Ah, Lionel Hutz. Brought to vocal perfection by the stellar voice work of Phil Hartman. The late actor breathed life into several recurring characters on The Simpsons, but his best work comes down to either the washed-up actor, Troy McClure, or the stereotypically sleazy lawyer, Lionel. There are so many great lines from Hartman’s lawyer, but his quote from Treehouse of Horror IV stands tall among a crowded field. As he’s combing his hair with a salad fork, he assures Homer that the trial for his soul will be fine since, you know, Lionel watched an episode of Matlock the night before.
9. “Don’t say revenge! Don’t say revenge!”
Say you’re writing a cover letter, and you need to tell why you want the job. It’s the perfect occasion for this quote.
Talk about a hidden gem, “Brother From the Same Planet” is filled with hilarious lines. The context for the quote comes from the Bigger Brothers outreach program. In a clear parody of romantic comedies, Bart creates a heart-wrenching story that puts him at the top of the list of positive role models while Homer signs up to be a Bigger Brother out of pure spite.
During the interview, he’s asked why he wants to be a mentor, and his brain is personified as a completely separate character. “Don’t say revenge! Don’t say revenge!” Homer’s mind pleads. Of course, he answers, “Revenge,” which, oddly enough, happens to be a choice on the checklist.
8. “You don’t win friends with salad.”
It’s hard to argue with this logic. I recommend dropping this line the next time you’re asked what kind of salad dressing you’d prefer.
When Lisa becomes a vegetarian, she can’t help but browbeat the rest of the family for their carnivorous ways. Since Homer is throwing a barbecue for the neighborhood, she urges him to choose meatless options to serve to his guests. Being who he is, Homer denies Lisa’s request, and Bart turns it into a conga line jingle.
7. “You’ll have to speak up; I’m wearing a towel.”
The fact that Homer is running nearly naked to answer his desk phone is reason to pause. When he says the most irreverent thing possible, it makes it all the better.
The seeming randomness of the line is what makes it so funny even after all these years. In recent months, fans have pointed out that the quote is not as odd as we once thought. It was a reference to people with long hair wrapping their heads in towels, which covered their ears, hence asking the caller to speak up. Since Homer is bald and has a towel around his waist, therein lies the joke. Personally, I think it was funnier when it just seemed out of place and awkward.
6. “I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean S-M-A-R-T.”
Doesn’t everyone have a smart song? If not, here you go, and you are welcome.
Widely accepted as perhaps the funniest episode in the show’s historic run, “Homer Goes to College” has the fingerprints of Conan O’Brien all over it. In the episode, Homer is deemed woefully incompetent in his job at the nuclear power plant. Instead of being fired, he’s sent to school to earn his degree.
Being the perpetual child that we know and love, he envisions higher learning as basically every college hijinks comedy ever made. The quote itself is Homer’s victory song after he’s accepted into Springfield University thanks to Mr. Burns manipulating the system. Homer sets his high school diploma on fire, then sings his merry tune, all the while the house is burning behind him.
5. “Do not touch Willie. Good advice.”
That lousy Smarch weather. In this spoof of A Nightmare on Elm Street, Homer proves why punctuation saves lives. Misreading a note from Groundskeeper Willie, Homer cranks up the school thermostat. Meanwhile, the oh-so-Scottish Willie is playing his bagpipes in the boiler room. Suddenly, he’s engulfed in flames, thus triggering his Freddy Krueger-inspired mayhem. It’s an even better reason to not touch Willie.
4. “Well thank God that’s over. I was getting worried there for a second.”
Keep this line in your pocket in case you ever get a radio call for aid. It will be hilarious, trust me.
Narrowing down just one quote from “Treehouse of Horror V” was a tough decision. The Simpsons’ spin on The Shining is filled with classic moments straight from Stanley Kubrick’s beloved take on Stephen King’s novel. As the blood rushes out of the elevator, Mr. Burns gives his nonchalant, “Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.” Of course, there’s Homer’s oft-quoted line, “No TV and no beer make Homer…something, something.”
As famous as the latter has become, Chief Wiggum deserves the spotlight for his casual hilarity. When Marge radios for help, unfortunately, she reaches the Springfield Police Department. “Help! My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over.” Wiggum hears the message and breathes a sigh of relief because she clearly said that it was over. Good to know.
3. “No one who speaks German could be an evil man.”
Once again, Sideshow Bob delivers a classic Simpsons joke. In this Cape Fear parody, Sideshow Bob has been hatching a plot to kill the boy, Bart, who got him sent to prison. He’s covered in jailhouse tattoos all pointing to Bob’s obsession with murdering the 21st Century’s Dennis the Menace.
During a parole hearing, the attorney points out the words “Die Bart, Die” inked on Bob’s chest, which he cheerfully explains is German for “The Bart, The.” The bow on this sheer gift to comedy is the woman from the parole board who remarks, “No one who speaks German could be an evil man.”
2. “That’s the joke.”
Have you ever told a punchline that completely fell flat? The next time it happens, try finishing with this Simpsons line, just don’t forget to say it in an exaggerated Austrian accent.
Longtime fans will recognize Rainier Wolfcastle, the show’s spoof on action hero extraordinaire Arnold Schwarzenegger. Murdering villains with his bare hands? Check. Standup comedy? Also check, at least when you bring a machine gun to deal with hecklers.
There. That’s the joke.
1. “Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”
When it comes to lampooning the American education system, The Simpsons has no equal. It was only fitting that the best example was uttered by the show’s resident childhood idiot, Ralph Wiggum.
The context here is that Principal Skinner is imploring a round of public shame to motivate failing students to try harder. During a school assembly, he hands out failure notices one at a time in front of the entire student body. Of course, Ralph doesn’t quite get it.
This quote ranked as number one because it’s one of the most relatable and versatile lines in all of The Simpsons. Haven’t we all been Ralph at one point or another? Just when you think you’re doing everything right and about to get rewarded, reality punches you in the crotch. There’s a little Ralph in all of us.